The habit of giving only enhances the desire to give.

Walt Whitman

‘Caring for the Caregiver’

Although rarely thought of as such, the executor of an estate is a caregiver. Not the bedside, change the ‘Depends’ type caregiver, but they are a caregiver none the less and often find themselves at the focal point of family dynamics. This role can be exhausting, difficult and stress-inducing. Seen in this light, the job performance of executor (or trustee or conservator) is better performed when their stress level is low.

Caregiver fatigue and burnout are the result of the physical and emotional aspects of caring for a loved one. As a caregiver (executor, conservator or trustee of the estate) when you recognize the signs of stress and take care of yourself you will do a better job. Those who fail to recognize the change in their stress level will find their blood pressure skyrocketing and their health tumbling at which point they become a hindrance rather than a help.

A Few Reminders

The list below was adapted from ‘Self Care for the Caregiver’ by the Oncology Nursing Society 2001.



  • Take time for yourself and your needs. My lessons in stress reduction came amid the AIDS terrors of the 1980s. At the time we offered ‘caregiver nights’ at our bed and breakfast, Dancing Coyote Beach in Inverness and at The Poet’s Loft in Marshall. Just a day or two away revived the weary souls.


  • Be aware of your stress – signs include impatience, loss of appetite, memory slippage, difficulty focusing or sleeping, mood swings, weight and hair loss …


  • Drink lots of water.


  • Walks are good exercise.


  • Allow others to help – children, friends and family will help if asked and will appreciate what you do because of their understanding; professional caregivers can give you a break, as can hospice volunteers.


  • Share your feelings – friends, family, children, support groups.


  • Give yourself credit – you’re involved in ‘real life’.


Caregiver’s Bill of Rights

I’ve seen this list several times – the author unknown:

I have the right to take care of myself … to seek help from others … to express difficult feelings … to reject guilt .. to get consideration, affection, forgiveness, and acceptance .. to take pride in what I’m doing … to protect my individuality.

Precepts of Service

The following  is condensed from a talk several years ago by Frank Ostaseki who helped create the San Francisco Zen Hospice and offered a day-long training for those of us at Hospice By The Bay.



  • Welcome everything … push away nothing


  • Bring your whole self to the experience


  • Don’t wait


  • Find a place of rest in the middle of things


  • Cultivate “don’t know” mind


  • About the series on Giving With Warm Hands


  • Part I, Joyous Gifting


  • Part II, Caring for the Caregiver


Real Estate Planning from the Heart Part I – Giving With Warm Hands
Real Estate Planning from the Heart Part II – Giving With Warm Hands
Real Estate Planning from the Heart Part III – Giving With Warm Hands

Posted by:  Tom Verkozen